Belgian rain at its finest

1. Because we have the best rain in the world.

Most countries measure rainfall by quantity, but Belgium’s precipitation can also offer a bewildering breadth of forms. From the merest hint of drizzle to the torrential downpours, nowhere beats Belgium for getting wet. It’s said in holy scriptures that Paradise is ‘a well watered garden’ and who can doubt that if we live don’t in paradise, we at least have a very well watered garden.

2. Because we have the best stereotypes.

Think of Belgium and most people will conjure up images of beer, chocolate and frites. What’s so bad about that? Think of other nations; the UK for example, and you think of binge drinking, football violence and the most miserable woman in the world aka Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second. Italy is pizza and the Mafia, Germany is efficiency and an earlier tendency to offer the whole world a big fight. Beer, chocolate and frites. Works for me.

3. Because we don’t need a government.

All too often the headlines tell us about Belgium being in crisis. How do people react? There’s no civil disorder, no panic in the streets, rather people just get on with their lives. Sure, we’ll discuss it all over a beer or three secure in the knowledge that we’ll muddle through somehow. We went for most of the year without a government. In many parts of the world we’d have been called a failed state, but we found that if anything, things worked a little better than usual. When we do get a Prime minister, we take them on as a Temp job.. Perhaps the next one will be a Stagiaire.

4. Because you can have fun at the Tax Office.

When I went to sort out my taxes last year I found the people there to be very friendly and helpful, so much so that once we had finished I said I had a bit of an embarrassing question to ask them. That got their attention so I said “These are Federal Taxes, to the Federal Government?” “Oh yes that’s correct.” They assured me, so I asked them “But we’ve had no Federal government for a long time and I would like a discount on my taxes because of this.” They were stunned. I then suggested a 50% discount as a reasonable figure. To be honest, they looked at me as if I was mad. I told them I was only joking and they burst into relieved laughter. Of course I was joking, I’d settle for 30%.

5. Because you don’t need to know the National Anthem.

The average Brit starts mumbling after the first couple of lines of God Save the Queen, so it was with utter delight that I discovered Prime Minister Yves Laterme didn’t know the Belgian National Anthem either when he so memorably burst into La Marseillaise . Can you imagine any other nations leaders being so bold? As I pointed out to my Belgian friends, at least he didn’t sing Deutschland über alles.

6. Because you can run over the Prime Minister.

In November 2002, then Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt was out cycling when he was knocked down by a car at a roundabout near Gent, breaking his elbow. It was treated as a normal traffic accident and no big issue. Try crashing into Berlusconi and see what happens. Here’s a clue; Bay of Naples, concrete overcoat.

7. Because we invented Zen Buddhism.

Now this may be news to many, but it is true. I know, I checked it in Wikipedia. Belgium contains two Zen koans – or instructional puzzles. The first is the country code, be. What more concise exposition of Zen is there than the simple word be. Be alive, be conscious, be Belgian.

The second is the last syllable, best illustrated in this ancient tale. A novice monk goes up to the Guru, who is busy contemplating a frite. “Master”, he asks, “How may I find enlightenment?” The Guru replies, “Child, canst thou explain the rules on which Belgian establishments can or cannot allow smoking on their premises?”

“Ummmm” thinks the young monk..

“Just keep repeating that until you get enlightenment” states the Guru and dismisses him.

8. Because it’s effortless to annoy extremists.

I’d only been in the country for a few days when I saw an old man shuffling along the street delivering the free newspapers. As he came to my house he offered me a copy which I thanked him for. Then I noticed it was in Flemish. Demonstrating my new found mastery of the bi-lingual system I explained to him in my schoolboy French that I didn’t know Flemish so could I have a copy in French. He looked angry and stormed off in a huff. I turned the paper over and saw it was the Vlaams Belang Newsletter.

9. Because the driving is exhilarating.

Priorité de Droit exemplifies the line between madness and genius. Initially I thought it was the former, but now I finally understand. I get it. It’s a fantastic experiment in Darwinian theory that also ensures that there is a plentiful supply of organs for transplant.

10. Because we’re here.

It’s true that some expats whine and complain about Belgium, but surely it’s wise to make the most of where you are and if you look positively Belgium is full of interesting places and people. We at Together will always bring you the best of Belgium in a handy sized magazine. What more could you want?

Published in Together Magazine